


Pieces of Ourselves

by On_Every_Spectrum



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Adopted Children, Adoption, American Sign Language, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Autism, Autistic Character, Autistic Phil Coulson, Books, Canon Deaf Character, Canon Disabled Character, Coming Out, Deaf, Deaf Character, Deaf Clint Barton, Disabled Author, Disabled Character, Disabled Clint Barton, Disabled Phil Coulson, Domestic, Domestic Bliss, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Family, Family Bonding, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Fluff, Gay, Gay Character, Gay Clint barton, Gay Male Character, Gay Parents, Gay Phil Coulson, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderqueer, Genderqueer Character, Hugs, Kid Fic, Learning to be Family, Love, M/M, Non-binary character, Nonbinary, Nonbinary Character, Original Character(s), Picture Books, Pride, Pride Parades, Protective Clint Barton, Queer Character, Queer Clint Barton, Queer Families, Queer Phil Coulson, Queer Themes, Queer Youth, Reading Aloud, Sign Language, Therapy, Trans, Trans Character, Trans Clint Barton, Trans Male Character, Trans Parent, Trans child, autistic author, nonbinary author, queer, trans author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-16 23:40:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19328476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/On_Every_Spectrum/pseuds/On_Every_Spectrum
Summary: "He hadn't even known that Barney had a kid.And, Clint Barton never imagined he'd have kids. But, he couldn't imagine leaving this kid there.It wasn't even a question. He remembered growing up in the system. He didn't wish that on anyone.Abba was four when he and Phil brought them home."





	Pieces of Ourselves

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning, while the elements of this fic regarding autism and anxiety are in part based on my experiences of both of those things. The aspects related to Deafness and sign are based merely on experiences and conversations with Deaf friends and loved ones. It is not an identity I hold and can speak to personally. Apologies in advance if I screwed anything up. And, please read this with a grain of salt. Remember that Deaf folks will always be the experts on their own experiences and make a point of seeking out Deaf characters written by Deaf authors.
> 
> This is just a fic about a family of disabled queers who are hopefully written better than not. And, I'm a disabled queer who can speak to some identities better than others.

Clint Barton had never imagined he'd have kids.

Even when he was little. His sex ed was a bit hit and miss. But, it was hard to keep sex a secret from a kid when half the teenagers he saw were pregnant. Not that his parents tried anyways.  
  
Not that he thought they should have. There was a lot he disagreed with his parents on. But, he'd rather they talked about sex with him than tried to hide it. As it was, they did neither.  
  
So, little Clint Barton knew that sex got you pregnant. And, pregnant meant you had babies.  
  
He decided right then and there that he would never have sex. It seemed weird that his body even could do that.  
  
Growing a baby. Yeah. No way.  
  
He ended up in foster care at six. Except his brother kept getting them kicked out of perfectly good foster homes. And, they wouldn't split him and Barney up. So, really he grew up more in group homes than he did in foster care. Same difference.  
  
That was his introduction to adoption. Not a very good one. But, still, he learned it was an option.  
  
He never considered that he might adopt kids though. He just wanted to get adopted.  
  
So, Clint Barton never imagined he would have kids.  
  
And, he made that very clear to all of his partners. Bobbi hadn't wanted them either. She'd laughed in his face when he brought it up a bit hesitantly. She wore condoms. He was on birth control. They were careful.  
  
Phil had already had a vasectomy. "I didn't want kids. It seemed prudent." He'd explained.  
  
Clint blinked. Not a lot of gay guys out there concerned about accidentally having kids.  
  
"You're not the first trans guy I've dated. Elliot, didn't want kids either." Phil explained simply.  
  
"The cellist?" Clint connected the name to stories. "He's very open. I'm not outing him." Phil shrugged.  
  
And, that was that. Leave it to Phil to be that thorough.  
  
Clint Barton never imagined that he'd have kids.  
  
Phil Coulson didn't either.

* * *

  
  
It took almost six months for the letter to reach him.  
  
Clint hadn't used his deadname in over a decade. But, SHIELD kept an eye on all their agents' former aliases, including those. Without them he probably never would have gotten it.  
  
It had been a long time since he'd seen "Ms. Barton" on paper. He shrugged off the feelings that simmered up at that, tore open the envelope.  
  
He hadn't even known that Barney had a kid.  
  
And, Clint Barton never imagined he'd have kids. But, he couldn't imagine leaving this kid there.  
  
It wasn't even a question. He remembered growing up in the system. He didn't wish that on anyone.  
  
Abba was four when he and Phil brought them home. They'd been three and a half when Barney and Brandy died.  
  
Car crash. How's that for irony? Clint tried to be sad. He didn't manage it. And, he couldn't really bring himself to regret that.  
  
Abba was a beautiful child. Big brown eyes and tightly curling hair. Clint and Phil realized quickly how unprepared they were.  
  
Four is a funny age. They're old. Old enough to talk. Old enough to be out of diapers. Old enough to sleep through the night. More often than not.  
  
But, they're so small. There's so much they don't understand.  
  
Abba didn't remember their parents. They'd been little enough when it happened. But, they remembered the foster homes.  
  
They were still young enough they might get adopted.Clint might have been adopted if he'd been four. But, Clint was white. There were fewer families who wanted half-black kids.  
  
At the end of the day, it didn't matter. Clint and Phil weren't giving them up. They hadn't wanted kids. But, now they had one. Simple as that.  
  
Phil checked out every book the library had on parenting. Clint signed up for a course on caring for natural hair. They both joined the local moms club and went to all the breakfasts and playdates with only minimal annoyance at the name.  
  
They both got a year's leave from SHIELD. The agency had always had one of the best parental leave systems in the country.  
  
Abba was in kindergarten by the time they had to go back to work. And, even then, they'd moved to new positions. Phil supervised missions from the relative safety of ops. Clint trained the next generation of snipers.  
  
They weren't always home, but they were often enough.

* * *

  
  
Their friends and colleagues spoiled Abba. Clint wouldn't have taken all of them for kid people, but they adored Abba. Clint and Phil had as many willing babysitters as they could hope for. And, Abba had people to ask about any possible interest they might have.  
  
Jasper was responsible for their name. In a roundabout way. "ABC." He'd proclaimed the moment they were introduced. Abba's first name had began with an A. Follow that with Barton-Coulson, and you got "Alphabet." And that was what everyone called them from then on.  
  
The fact that Coulson wasn't actually added to Abba's last name until they were formally adopted at age six didn't change anything. Abba was dubbed alphabet. A word they couldn't quite manage, tripping over the syllables until it became Abba.

When they asked to legally change their name at eight, no one was surprised at what they changed it to.  
  
Abba wouldn't ever change their initials. They liked being ABC. Alphabet. And, even if they didn't, the name sign Clint had given them years ago was made with your hand shaped into an A. They wouldn't change their initials.  
  
Abba asked to change their pronouns before they changed their name. But, the name followed soon enough. And, there was never any doubt about what it would be.

* * *

  
  
Clint hadn't worried about gender when they brought Abba home. Hadn't even thought to.  
  
Sure, society was transphobic and it sucked. But, he worked for SHIELD. He was on a team with good people. He was largely sheltered from it. He didn't forget about it. Couldn't. But, it didn't impact his life much.  
  
Abba was confused when he picked them up. "Ms. Meyer said I have an aunt?" They observed, the words spoken in a sweet little baby tone. Clint let himself smile.  
  
"She was confused. I'm your uncle. Your Uncle Clint." He stated simply, not bothering to explain why the social worker was confused about that. Abba hadn't asked anything further.  
  
They were so young.  
  
And, that was that. They were busy. Busy figuring out what it meant to be parents. To have a four year old child. They bought new furniture and soothed nightmares and spent a truly exceptional amount of time at playgrounds. Gender wasn't a major topic of conversation.  
  
And, Abba grew into themself. Neither Phil nor Clint thought to question the clothes they chose or what toys they preferred to play with.  
  
"So, you're doing that newfangled gender neutral parenting." Another parent from one of their mom groups observed at one point, making it a statement not a question. Though her tone wasn't necessarily judgmental, it was uncomfortable. "I guess that's what you can expect from gay parents." She continued. Phil didn't arrange any further playdates with her.

* * *

  
  
Abba grew up quickly. And, Phil and Clint couldn't imagine where the time had gone. They went from a shy quiet child to an exuberant kid who never stopped talking.  
  
Though, more often than not, they preferred to sign. They were still quiet, but never uncommunicative. They would speak in rapid-fire hushed words to anyone they trusted. And, would sign even more rapidly when given the chance.  
  
They weren't shy, but they were anxious. Their anxiety didn't calm after they settled into life with Clint and Phil. Their therapist was beginning to believe it never would. That they simply had anxiety. That they always would.  
  
So, Clint and Phil bought books like Wemberly Worried. And, they practiced breathing exercises and emotional regulation. Abba became panicky whenever they tried grounding.  
  
And, that wasn't the first clue, but it was one of the things that made Phil suspect they might be autistic. He mentioned it to their therapist. Abba was formally diagnosed almost a year later.  
  
They didn't need to buy books about that. Phil was already an expert. He was autistic too. Abba's therapist mentioned once how smart Clint and Phil had been to teach them to sign, supposedly recognizing that their child might need alternative communication tools. When the therapist then proceeded to look confused that Clint started laughing out loud, he'd turned his head and tapped his hearing aid as explanation. Still guffawing. They hadn't decided to teach Abba sign. Abba learned sign, because that's part of how they communicated.  
  
They were a good family. They were good parents. Abba was a good kid. They fit well together. And, they learned about one another. And, they learned how to take care of each other.

* * *

  
  
Clint still remembered the first time his transness came up with Abba. It certainly wasn't a secret. Half of his friends were trans. He wore a flag to pride. He wasn't stealth. But, they never explicitly mentioned it either.  
  
Abba's teacher read I Am Jazz to their class when they were five. Here's to the progressive queer friendly charter school Phil found for them.  
  
And, Abba came home delighted. "Papa, did you know that sometimes adults get your gender wrong?" They asked excitedly. "Like, maybe you're a girl, but people think you're a boy." Clint listened with a mix of confusion and surprise.  
  
Phil recovered first, catching Abba's attention. "We did, little one. That's called being trans." Abba nodded, still thrilled. "Yeah. We learned about it in school."  
  
Clint recovered, looking down at his child with a fond smile and resolving to do a better job ensuring they were exposed to actual information about queerness. He swept them up into a close hug, propping then against his hip.  
  
"Trans folks are pretty awesome." He agreed, eyes sparkling. "And, I should know, because I am trans." Abba narrowed their eyes, looking closer at him. As if they could see the transness on him.  
  
"You're really a girl?" They asked. And, Clint held back his natural reaction to that sentence. This was his kid. They didn't mean it like that. "Not quite..." He started. But, Abba was already continuing. "That's okay. I can call you Mama instead if you want?" They offered.  
  
And, Clint couldn't hold back a chuckle then. Smiling lovingly at Abba, looking so earnest. Well, apparently, they really didn't mean it like that. "No, little one." He clarified. "People thought I was a girl when I was born. I am a boy."  
  
"Oh. That makes sense." Was Abba's only response. "I love you, Papa." They followed, squeezing him tightly in their small arms. Phil stepped in a bit closer to wrap them both in a hug, kissing Clint's cheek when he leaned in.  
  
That evening, Clint ordered I Am Jazz online. And, when it came a few days later and they determined it was a pretty boring book. Which, fair enough, it was written by a kid. Phil was the one who researched further and ordered the entire Flamingo Rampant collection.  
  
All the sudden, there were several new favorites that filled their nightly storytime line up.

* * *

  
  
Phil found a trans parents group and Clint started attending. It was nice. They held barbecues monthly, rotating between houses. And, partners and kids were always welcome.  
  
Abba made friends. Phil loved the group. It was nicer than the endless moms groups, filled with straight middle class suburbanites. They fit in better here.  
  
The next summer, when they all attended New York Pride together, Abba wore a t-shirt that said "I love my trans dad" their own choice. Clint smiled wide all day.  
  
It was another two years before they came out. Phil was reading Bell's Knock Knock Birthday aloud to them. A longtime favorite that Abba could probably recite the entirety of. Clint held Abba on his lap while Phil read. His hearing aids already out. It had been a long day, and he already knew the book by heart.  
  
After they finished the book. (For the second time that night; it was definitely a favorite.) Abba twisted sideways in Clint's lap to face both their fathers. "I think I'm like Bell." They signed.  
  
Phil and Clint both waited. When Abba didn't clarify, Phil asked how so. "Bell's non-binary. And, they use different pronouns." Abba explained. Carefully using the signs Clint had had to teach them. Signs he'd searched for and learned himself for queer identities.  
  
"I'm non-binary too." Abba shared. And, Clint didn't miss the fact they'd dropped the sign for think from the phrase. If he knew his kid, they wouldn't be sharing this if they weren't already pretty certain. For all that they were a talker, Abba was definitely an internal processor. They talked about things once they figured out how they felt about them. Not before.  
  
Both of them held the pause for a moment. Letting Abba's announcement rest. It felt tender. After a shared moment Phil replied. "Thank you for sharing, little one." A sentiment which Clint strongly echoed.  
  
He couldn't have imagined trying to come out at that age. He didn't even know that being trans was a thing then. He wondered whether Abba would have if Barney had raised them. But, he pushed the thought away quickly. Even if they did, he doubted they would have heard anything good about it.  
  
He was glad that Abba was here with them. "We love you, sweetie. For everything you are." He reassured with a soft loving smile. "Is there anything different you'd like us to call you?"  
  
Abba ended up staying awake well past their usual bedtime that night. The three of them had a long discussion about identity and language and who they wanted to come out to and when.  
  
Once they finally were asleep, Clint and Phil lingered for a moment in the hallway before going through their own nighttime routine. "I'm glad we have them." Clint shared quietly.  
  
Phil agreed, pulling him into a tight hug.

* * *

  
  
Abba was twelve and off to middle school. They led their own IEP meetings and started a GSA. Phil and Clint were proud parents.  
  
They didn't remember Barney or their mom. And, that was hard. Clint felt like he ought to tell stories. Ought to make certain Abba had some idea where they came from. He tried sometimes. He didn't have a lot of good stories to tell.  
  
The three of them visited Barney and Brandy's grave once each year, on the anniversary of their death. Six months later, on the anniversary of the day they brought Abba home, they threw a party for just the three of them. Made cake and toasted their family.  
  
Abba was still young. Not even a teenager. But, they were growing up. And, a lot had happened since Clint and Phil brought a scared shy little four year old home. Abba had lived with them for twice as long now as the time they hadn't.  
  
None of them were perfect. They all made mistakes. There were miscommunications. Maybe too many. There was stress and hard things. A lot of anxiety. Too much bigotry. Far too many injuries.  
  
There was a lot of love too though. And, a lot of joy. Their board game nights were intense. And, their routines tender. They all took care of one another.  
  
Abba had a bit of both of their parents in them. They got their dad's autism and their papa's transness. A fact they all joked about given the fact they were mostly adopted family. They got their heart from Clint. And, an undying love of Star Trek from Phil. The three of them could trace countless similarities between them. Shared traits and interests and identities.  
  
Ultimately, though Abba was uniquely and beautifully themself.  
  
And, Clint and Phil were so proud of the incredible young adult they were becoming. Neither of them had ever imagined they would have kids. They hadn't planned on it. Or wanted it. But, they were both so glad they got this particular kid. And, neither of them would have changed it for the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Phil and Clint value picture books in their home. For those of you who are curious, here's further information about the ones referenced here:
> 
> Wemberly Worried by Kevin Henkes - https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/858514.Wemberly_Worried  
> I am Jazz by Jazz Jennings and Jessica Herthel - https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18763344-i-am-jazz  
> Bell's Knock Knock Birthday by George Parker - https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36536936-bell-s-knock-knock-birthday
> 
> Phil and Clint acquire the entire Flamingo Rampant collection of picture books. Flamingo Rampant is a micropublishing company started by Bear Bergman, with a mission statement that explains what they are far better than I could. "Flamingo Rampant is producing feminist, racially-diverse, LGBTQ positive children’s books, in an effort to bring visibility and positivity to the reading landscape of children everywhere. We make books kids love that love them right back, bedtime stories for beautiful dreams, and books that make kids of all kinds say with pride: that kid’s just like me!" Find them here: https://www.flamingorampant.com/


End file.
